We Told Them Nothing Would Change”: The Quiet Lie at the Heart of Modern Parenting
A woman told me once—calmly, clearly—that she stopped sleep-training her baby after he gave himself a nosebleed. Just sat outside the room while he cried himself raw. She thought she was doing the right thing.
And maybe that’s the problem.
We keep telling new parents: “Nothing will change.” But everything does. Everything must. When we refuse to admit that, not only does our sanity suffer. It’s also the very architecture of our children’s emotional world that suffers.
Babies Are Breaking—and We’re Still Talking GDP
In a society obsessed with economic productivity, the greatest tragedy may be how quickly we forget babies aren’t spreadsheets. They’re not resilient by default. They’re fragile, neurologically immature, born needing regulation—emotional co-pilots to help them survive the storm of existence.
Erica Komisar, a psychoanalyst and author of Being There, doesn’t mince words: daycare for infants under three disrupts brain development. Babies separated from their primary attachment figures don’t just “miss” them—they biologically panic. Their cortisol spikes. Their oxytocin dips. Their stress-response systems—meant to stay offline—light up like a battlefield.
And then we wonder why Gen Z is riddled with anxiety, ADHD, and depression.
You ever notice how so many of today’s 20-somethings can’t regulate basic feelings without screens or meds?
Maybe they were never given the chance to learn.
The Myth of “Having It All” Was Always a Con
Let’s talk about the lie sold to women—and it was sold. Glossy, aspirational, softly condescending. You can be a CEO and a perfect mom. Just freeze your eggs. Lean in. Maximize. Outsource love.
But here’s Komisar again: the first three years of life are sacred. The right-brain—the emotional brain—develops by 85% before age three. You cannot “quality time” your way out of that. And yet, women are told that staying home is regressive. They hear that caregiving is menial. They are informed that ambition must look a certain way to matter.
What if we just said it?
That it’s okay to pause. That careers can wait, but your baby’s brain can’t. That missing a promotion is hard—but missing your child’s emotional wiring window is harder.
And yes, that might mean sacrifices. Smaller houses. Fewer vacations. Less Instagram-ready glamour. But what are we chasing anyway?
Where Are the Fathers—and Why It Matters
It’s not just moms we’ve sidelined. Fathers are now struggling under another lie: that as long as they bring home the paycheck, they’ve done their part.
But dads regulate a child’s aggression and impulsivity, particularly in boys. They teach how to channel anger, how to handle risk, how to leave the safe harbor of mom without crashing. When dad is absent—physically or emotionally—what fills the void?
Behavioral disorders. School suspensions. Early diagnoses.
And then: medication. Labels. Marginalization.
We’ve educated boys like they’re girls. Told them to sit still. Punished their energy. Ignored their neuro-fragility. And now? Now they’re angry, underachieving, and unloved—by schools, by society, sometimes even by themselves.
Lies We Whisper to Ourselves in the Dark
Here are a few lies worth burying for good:
- “Your baby will be fine in daycare.” Maybe. Maybe not.
- “You can freeze your fertility.” Sometimes. But not always.
- “You can parent and stay the same.” No. You shouldn’t.
- “Mental illness is mostly genetic.” Not really. Trauma and absence matter more.
And perhaps the cruelest of all:
“Someone else can raise your child just as well.”
No. They can’t. And deep down, we all know it.
You Build the House or the Storm Will
There’s a reason Komisar calls the early years the brick-laying stage. A child raised with safety, attunement, presence—builds a self. A resilient emotional core. A nervous system that doesn’t collapse at every setback.
Miss that window, and the cost shows up later: in addiction, in rage, in numb scrolling, in suicidal ideation. Or worse—borderline personality disorder. A rising epidemic among young people. Kids without strategies. Without anchors.
And yes, sometimes these children grow up. But they never feel grown.
ENDING (Loose but Impactful):
Maybe we just need to start telling the truth.
That parenting is Everest. That it will strip you bare and rebuild you. That it demands more than money, more than hustle, more than your best intentions. It needs you. Fully. Present. Human. Messy.
You don’t get to outsource the bricks and then complain when the house crumbles.
But hey—what do I know? Maybe silence says enough.