You know that moment when someone storms out of a party, shouting “I’m better off without all of you!”—only to realize their coat’s still inside, their Uber app won’t load, and it’s pouring outside?
Yeah. That’s Brexit.
Britain didn’t just leave the EU. It yeeted itself out like a contestant on Love Island who thought they could do better solo. Sovereignty! Control! Blue passports! The kind of slogans that sound bold on a bus but bankrupt on a spreadsheet.
And now? Now it’s sipping cold tea in an empty flat. It wonders why the fridge is bare. The neighbors won’t return calls.
Let’s talk about the mess.
The UK economy is shrinking. Not in a dramatic, Hollywood-collapse way. More like a slow deflation—like a tire with a barely noticeable leak until you’re skidding off the motorway. In March 2024, GDP growth hit 0%. Flatline. Productivity? Stalled. Real wages? Still haven’t recovered from the 2008 crash. You read that right—2008. It’s been 17 years of pay stagnation dressed up with austerity cologne.
Brexit was supposed to be a “liberation,” remember? Cut the red tape, unleash the entrepreneurial spirit, take back control. But it turns out—surprise!—tearing up 40 years of trade relationships and regulations has consequences. Who knew?
British businesses, especially small ones, now spend more time filling out forms than fulfilling orders. Exporters? Buried in customs declarations. Farmers? Rotting crops because Eastern European labor vanished. A tomato shortage made headlines, for crying out loud. Tomatoes.
And London, oh London. The once-kingpin of global finance. No longer Europe’s default financial hub. Banks have quietly shipped staff and assets to Frankfurt, Paris, Amsterdam. It’s like watching your popular ex slowly start dating someone more stable. Painful, predictable, and very French.
But here’s the kicker—they’re still pretending it’s fine. Government ministers use words like “robust” and “resilient.” They show nervous energy. It’s the kind you’d expect from someone Googling “what happens if your house foundation is crumbling.”
Meanwhile, inflation punched Britain in the face post-pandemic. The Bank of England tried rate hikes—because of course they did. But jacking up interest rates doesn’t solve a labor shortage or untangle trade blockages. It just makes mortgages unaffordable and keeps first-time buyers living with their parents well into their thirties. The dream of homeownership? That’s now a museum exhibit.
But wait—didn’t they sign new trade deals? Yes. With Australia. And New Zealand. Wonderful places. Great wine. But those deals? Worth pennies compared to what the UK lost walking away from frictionless EU trade. The EU used to be Britain’s biggest trading partner. Now it’s just… a bad breakup that still controls the bank account.
Some will argue this isn’t all Brexit’s fault. Fair. COVID did a number. So did global energy prices and war in Ukraine. But look at the data: the UK is the only G7 country. Its economy still hasn’t bounced back to pre-pandemic levels. That’s not bad luck. That’s bad policy.
Let’s also talk about immigration. The Brexit campaign swore leaving the EU would “take control of our borders.” Well, spoiler: net migration hit a record high in 2023. Turns out, British businesses still need workers. They’re just not allowed to come from Poland anymore—so now they’re from India, Nigeria, the Philippines. Nothing against any of them. Just ironic, isn’t it?
Here’s a spicy bit: A 2022 report by the Office for Budget Responsibility came out. They are basically the UK government’s financial soothsayers. The report estimated that Brexit would reduce the country’s productivity by 4% in the long run. That’s not a glitch. That’s a structural downgrade.
No one has been held responsible for any of this. It was the Brexit supporters who sold the lie. They’re either getting paid to write books or acting like someone else’s actions ruined their great plan. They say, “We just didn’t do Brexit right.” Of course, there’s a “deluxe” version that comes with a unicorn and extra trade access.
No one is saying that Britain should get down on its knees and go back to Brussels. However, it might be time to be a little humble. A little adding up. A quiet acceptance that the way forward might (gasp) involve working together.
The market is slowly getting better until then. Bills are going up. Growth stays the same. Young people are moving. The kingdom was on the attack.
And what about that blue ID? Doesn’t come with a job yet.